Pearls of Puns for Cultured Minds (Which I Wish For Everyone Next Year )
Posted: Friday, January 06, 2012
by Paul Schroeder
alien / demonic attachment
Pearls of Puns for Cultured Minds
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. ~~Anne Frank”
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Top-level comments on this article: (10 total)These are totally hilarious, Paul, thanks for significantly brightening up my day! I'm going to print them out and keep them handy!Please log in to respond to this comment.Your raw intellect allows such mirth; it's GOOD to hear from you!Please log in to respond to this comment.
ROFL...thanks Paul, I needed a good laugh.Please log in to respond to this comment.Carpet lint accompanies ROFL, I have found; you're most welcome!
PaulPlease log in to respond to this comment.
LOL,some funny adages Paul, thanks for sharing.Please log in to respond to this comment.David, I am so fascinated by you; what makes you state your assertions about the Devil and Hell?
Can you share that with me?Please log in to respond to this comment.
LOL Paul! Love all these!Please log in to respond to this comment.And I, you! (Don't tell 'Mr. "T"....)Please log in to respond to this comment.It'll be our little secret.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Har Har- Hearty Har Har!......My favorites are #s 9& 14Please log in to respond to this comment.Sounds like whooping cough; take two puns with the milk of human kindness and call me in the office, in the morning...Please log in to respond to this comment.
Fantastic-genius....Please log in to respond to this comment.Thats YOU, that you're describing; I am mildly autistic.Please log in to respond to this comment.
Paul I didn't want them to end. And to think I thought I was the joker in the pack..how wrong I was. So your not just a pretty face then Paul
Stay well
KacyPlease log in to respond to this comment.You're= you are
your=belongs to you
I am NOT a pretty face; one's face is an accident of birth and mine is a three car collision.
Please log in to respond to this comment.I say"Your" face is pretty, end of. If you think "You're" the best person to argue with me about this, then give it "Your" best shot. I think I have the hang of it...Pretty Boy!!!
Keep well
KacyPlease log in to respond to this comment.I also am delusional, like you, convinced that MOM, upsidedown, spells, WOW,
A perverse and homey touch, don't you think?Please log in to respond to this comment.
How did I miss this? GREAT stuff!! Literally LOL!!Please log in to respond to this comment.Ken, it's splendid to hear from you!Please log in to respond to this comment.
How did I miss this? GREAT stuff!! Literally LOL!!Please log in to respond to this comment.
Paul, I have to say that Jean and I shared this with our 11 year old while we were driving in our car tonight. We laughed so hard I almost drove off the road!
I don't think we've ever had this experience with any other article we've ever read on this website.Please log in to respond to this comment.I have derailed many in my day, but I do anyway thank you; I love puns, as those whose minds aren't,'cultured', blink at such pearls, unable to grok.
Stay in lane, is life's unspoken rule on and off the highway.
Your eleven year old seems most apt, if he 'got them'.
Much affection,
PaulPlease log in to respond to this comment.Our eleven year old reads the political cartoons in the paper every morning, and he understands them almost every time.Please log in to respond to this comment.
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